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Alarming trends!

March 21, 2009

Don't f*ck with the Clocky.

Don't f*ck with the Clocky.


I’m in the market for a new alarm clock.

Now, see, I’m kind of an oddity among alarm clock users. I’ve never used a snooze button, and I live in such fear of loud, screechy buzzes that I usually wake up half an hour before the alarm just to anticipate it and turn it off. In general, I wake up to music and lie in bed for a while until my body makes me get up or the half-hour timer ends, whichever comes first.

Currently, I have an older version of this little number. It’s great, except for a few problems.

First, while I LOVE the ceiling display, you can’t see it in a room that’s even the tiniest bit light. The same goes for the front display. Kind of defeats the purpose of a clock when you can’t, you know, see what time it is.

Second, some of the sound functions failed really early on. I got it in December of ’06, and I kind of liked the “crashing surf” noise. I kind of liked the “summer night” noises, too, except that the loop was so short the crickets got predictable 😛 Unfortunately, they only lasted about four months. Still, it worked really well as an iPod player until about three weeks ago. Right now the only sound function that works is the radio, and it didn’t help my mood to wake up to the NPR pledge drive every morning. (Some might say we could stop that by just giving enough money to shut them up for another year, but I digress.)

So. What to do?

There’s always Clocky, an alarm clock that actually jumps off your nightstand and runs away from you until you turn it off. When I first heard of Clocky, I slept with a quilt (referred to by name as “Quilt”) of which I was very fond. Which prompted the following discussion:

Friend: I think getting Clocky and Quilt together would be counterproductive. Clocky would try to get you out of bed, whereas Quilt would just want you to stay in bed and snuggle.
Me: Cutest fight ever.

There’s always the Turing alarm clock (makes you prove you’re awake by solving five quick math problems).

And in high school, my brother had a Sanrio alarm clock shaped like a cow that rang a cowbell and said (in a voice eerily reminiscent of Arnold Schwarzenegger) “Moooooo! Wake up! Don’t sleep your life away!”

Alas, however, I don’t think that my alarm clock style is well suited for the creme de la creme of wakeup calls: the Stephen Fry alarm clocks.

Others of note on this list:
Nobby (taunts you until you wring its neck)
Sonic Alarm grenade (a cruel, cruel joke to play on your children)
ThinkGeek’s Laser Target (won’t stop until you shoot the laser directly into the bullseye)
Kuku alarm clock (lays eggs; won’t stop crowing until you put the eggs back in the basket)

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. March 21, 2009 5:55 pm

    Well now, you left out the flying alarm clock! Me though, I’m a fan of the Panasonic wood paneled clock radio that I’ve had for nigh on 20 years.

    Although Clocky is cute.

  2. March 23, 2009 8:06 am

    Oh, that Stephen Fry clock. I would buy it 10 times over if it wouldn’t freak out J every morning, dreaming of Jeeves standing over him.

  3. Dan permalink
    March 23, 2009 8:16 am

    CD player alarm clock with “America Must Be Destroyed” by GWAR ready to play.
    For those with less intestinal fortitude, anything by the B-52s works as well.
    Also, I have the same alarm clock as Chuck in the NBC TV show, but I had it first.

  4. Squid permalink
    March 23, 2009 10:34 am

    Back in my yoof, the Lint’N’Sh!t that I worked at sold this singing rock ‘n’ roll rooster alarm clock that quickly became the bane of my existence. Go ahead; click on the cute little chicken and listen to its lovely song. Now, imagine listening to that sucker for hours on end, every day, day after day, until you actually feel your psyche beginning to unravel.

    Honestly, they kept these things at the front register as an impulse buy, so there was no escaping. All day long, people would look askance at the cute little plastic rooster, and push the button to see what he did. And there we stood, helpless, forced to smile cheerfully when all we wanted to do was break the customer’s fingers and throw the accursed clock to the floor with such force that the remains would not be identifyable. We hid the batteries a few times, but our store manager, who was otherwise a really great boss, kept replacing them.

    It still haunts my dreams. (Didn’t stop me from buying one for my brother!)

  5. March 24, 2009 10:50 pm

    My stepfather has an alarm clock that’s been in his family for years. He picked it up somewhere in the Middle East. Shaped like a miniature mosque, it makes the call to prayer in a very loud and tinny voice when the alarm goes off. Family tradition is to set the alarm to 3 or 4 in the morning and hide this clock somewhere in the room. Fear, anger, and non-hilarity ensue.

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